Thoughts of a thot daughter

 Missing out on life

Hey friends! For the longest time ever I've always wanted a big friend group. Y'know like a core friend group that's always there for you and that you can rely on. Looking back at my middle school years I was always the girl who was alone and sat by herself, who people knew her name but never really bothered to talk to her. And honestly the blame is on myself for being so socially awkward. It really hurts badly when I'm online and I see these girls with their huge friend groups out having fun like normal teens my age. It really feels like I'm wasting my life away by sitting and just rotting around in my room. Especially in todays society everybody can be so judgmental! God forbid I do something that's a little out of the norm. Or god forbid I'm not #whimsy #alt #niche #rainbowunicorns. It's seriously sooo tiring. I always feel trapped inside my own body or that I'm watching myself from 3rd person. 

I remember the first time I felt thar way. It was in 3rd grade and I recalled feeling so out of place and seeing myself as a simulation. I felt like a robot. I would have these panic attacks often at night and I didn't know what it was till like a year ago. I remember telling my mom that I wasn't able to breath at night, and she didn't know that it was just panic attacks so she ended up taking me to the doctors which was a total bust. And then there was the time I went to the E.R for it. I was eating my dinner when I was just suddenly overcome by this wave of sadness and derealization that I couldn't breathe. So I told my dad and we went to the E.R. Which again was a total bust because nothing bad happened. 

I'm so terrified for high school because I know that it's gonna be so much worse than middle school. There's this huge pit in my stomach at the thought of people not liking me. And I mean my high school is huge so there is a good chance that I could find friends but there's so much doubt in my head. I often wish I could go back to when things were more simple in 5th grade💔. Like I was so popular, what went wrong? And It doesn't make things any better that I am the MOST awkward person to ever exist. Like I genuinely don't understand some social cues sometimes and it gets sooo embarrassing.

High school is all about having fun and finding your person. Like every single iconic teen in the history of everything started from 15 right? Like wasn't Bella 16 when she met Edward or something. Obviously I don't expect some epic love story to happen the first day I walk in but hey I'm single and jobless soooo... 

If anybody has any tips for high school at all that would be so helpful. I hope I can look back to this post in a year and think "wow this was so silly of me to ever think". I'm making a promise to myself this year that I'm gonna be so much more outspoken and confident than last year. Cheers to 9th grade friends!

-E.K xx